In dissertating mode

I had a week from hell last week and I have another doozie coming up. I have also been working all weekend and have not really had time to recover from last week's nuttiness. I must admit, however, that dinner on Friday was a welcome break from it all - merci M & D!

Shana's list of things to do between now and Friday morning:

* Prepare and give 4 French grammar classes (not a problem)

* Prepare and give NSCAD lecture - this, however, involves reading a whole pile of stuff so that I know what I am talking about as well as figuring out how to properly do (and then teach) a film sequence analysis. I am also still trying to track down films for the class - we are covering over 30 New Wave films this term!! Should be lots of fun, but it's rather overwhelming keeping on top of it all.

* Prepare and give a guest lecture in a colleague's film class who is away in Africa. I thought it was supposed to be a half-hour lecture, but it turns out it's actually for 2 hours. Ack. AND my thesis advisor will be in attendance and has never seen me teach before, so I have to be impressive and shit. I have actually never had anyone observe my teaching before (who is not a student, obviously)... oh, wait - Lara did before!! But still. Doc Bish is a big-wig. And I need him to write me fabulous letters of recommendation that go into detail about my fabulousness. Oh dear.

* Write 7 letters of recommendation for SMU students applying to BEd programs. I really hate doing these letters. We only know our students in certain ways, not nearly well enough to evaluate the things the programs ask for... and these letters are super important for the students, so I can't say no. (I should learn how, you're going to say... and you'd be right)

* This is the biggie: I am applying for yet another job that I have very little chance of getting (I am seriously only being realisic here, people, not defeatist). But it's in Regina and no one wants to live in Regina, so who knows what'll happen in the end!  But it's a mega-application that involves the usual stuff, plus a teaching dossier (that I still have not created for myself...) and writing about my research. You might think this is an easy task to explain to people what I am doing in my thesis... but at the moment I feel like I have no fucking clue what I am doing... so this will take some "creativity", let's just say. And I, of course, have left this all until now to do, a week before the application must be in Regina. But I really have no idea when else I could have done it. So I guess I shouldn't beat myself up about that part...

* There are other things, but I am starting to psyche myself out writing all this down. It's not as comforting as I thought. Shit.

How far off is spring break???

I need to breathe. I feel like I have so much going on at once that I forget to do it sometimes. I literally catch myself HOLDING my breath, for rather disturbing periods of time.

I think that teaching might be the death of me.

The problem is that I care about it too much. I love it, I am good at it, I do a freaking lot of it, but it is such an overwhelming job. Everything needs to be done NOW. It's all so immediate. The emails with student questions are non-stop. Office hours are full. There are assignments to mark almost every damn day. Preparing my lectures has been eating up way too much time. Teaching leaves room for nothing else. Especially when a person is teaching at different institutions all over the damn city.

I think I am feeling like my head is going to blow because I somehow just managed to live through another Monday. Mondays are hell. I start teaching at SMU at 8:30 am and I don't finish at NSCAD until 10 pm. And I don't stop in between. That's one fucking long day, man. I don't even have time to eat dinner. By the time I get the bus home, I should be getting my ass to bed, but I am still wound up from a non-stop day. And then today, Tuesday, I feel completely exhausted.

How the hell am I supposed to finish my fucking PhD if I am always working like a maniac on so many things besides my thesis??? HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS??? I want someone to just tell me how and, I promise, I'll do it. But I am at a complete loss. I do not - repeat DO NOT - want to be in this same position again next year.

I want to have a normal life. Is that too much too ask?? Or does no one have a normal life????

I was going to go for a drive to the south shore with the Polish boy this afternoon but had to bail because I have way too much work to do.

So I am sitting here in front of my damned computer looking at the sunshine outside, thinking how much fun it would be to be driving along a scenic Nova Scotia road, listening to tunes with the window down and a handsome man at my side... THIS SUCKS!

It is days like today that I wish I had a 9 to 5 job.

I feel like I might be jinxing things by talking about it on LJ... but I haven't been able to talk to all my friends about this yet and I know you want to know what's going on!! But I might end up deleting it, for personal security sake, so hurry up and read it already!

 

 

( Remember the cute boy and kissing action from last weekend? )

OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!

A Nova Scotian from a tiny town outside New Glasgow is now the new lead singer of INXS!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how many of you have been watching Rock Star INXS this summer but it was an absolutely AMAZING show. And JD Fortune just won!!

I have never been so excited about the season finale of a reality show in my life. I can't wait to hear their new music!!!!!

And JD is so fucking hot. Oooh baby.

i kissed a cute boy last night.

tee hee.

:)

Oh my god.

A friend of mine just forwarded to me a job posting for a position in Cinema Studies and French at Innis College at U of T... it's exactly what I want to do!! I had no idea such jobs even existed!!!

I have to bust my ass to get an awesome application ready.

And then, of course, finish my thesis.

Ack.

I am still very excited at the idea of even applying for a job that is truly in my field. No idea what the competition will be like so I don't want to say I have no chance at getting it (even though it could be true). I want to be positive this year, dammit!

I realized a few things yesterday that pleased me quite a bit:

1) Yesterday afternoon, as I watched the numerous university students trudging around with all their worldly possessions in their moving vans and mom and dad's cars, I realized that this is the first late summer/early fall in FOUR YEARS that I do not have to move. Yay to not moving!

2) I forget what number two is... I swear it was just in my head and now it's gone. I'll come back and edit later.

3) I also realized that I still fit into the sexy little dress that I bought at Biscuit back in April, which means that I can wear it to my friend's wedding tomorrow. I really, really did not want to go shopping for a wedding-appropriate dress today.

3) I realized late last night (very late... too late... had trouble sleeping again) that I am beginning to really understand and appreciate the German philosopher Nietzsche. After dating Baby Boyfriend, who thought he was the 21st century incarnation of the 19th century genious, I was totally turned off his works. Now that I am reading him for myself and seeing how his ideas not only apply to my thesis but to my LIFE (well, I guess my thesis is sorta my life too... gulp), it's a whole new ballgame, baby.

4) I just now realized that a possible reason for my sleep troubles, at least last night, might partly be due to the fact that I was trying to wrap my brain around Nietzsche... as a bedtime story. Oh dear.

i have been having trouble sleeping for months. stress, a gazillion things on my mind. the usual. last night i was w-i-d-e awake at 3am. not so good for getting up early and being productive the next day.

it's only 10:30 am and i already want to take a nap.

i think i have heard all the typical 'how to fall asleep' advice already... but i am getting desperate (and don't especially want to start popping pills). any new techniques?

MY GENITALS ARE BRUISED!!!!

Yes, you read correctly. Genitals. Bruised.

This is, unfortunately, not due to wild and fabulous sex. If that were the case, I would not be complaining :) This is due to an incompetent employee of a certain downtown spa. I PAID to have this abuse inflicted upon me!

I have been getting Brazilian waxes for almost two years. For the past year or so, I have been going to the same girl at the same spa. But today, because of budgetary reasons, I went to a different girl. This certain spa has half-price waxing on Wednesdays and my girl was booked solid so, since I am trying to be frugal, I took whomever was free. Mistake number one.

Normally, 45 minutes are allotted for a Brazilian (for those who need recovery time, who need to take a break, etc.). But I am always in and out in less than half an hour. THIS time, I was in and out in less than 15 minutes. Yep, she was ripping away like a madwoman. She didn't hold my skin like she was supposed to, she was not at all attentive to what she was doing, and she was extremely rough. She admitted to giving me "a little bruise" at the time. "It'll be gone in a few hours", she says. Even though it hurt way more than normal, I just figured I had forgotten how much it normally hurts (how does one remember pain specifics anyway??).

As she was finishing, I asked her if she used to work at a different spa... she looked familiar. And yes-siree-bob, the madwoman had waxed me before - at Kara's - and was the reason why I never went back there for a wax. She already bruised my genitals years ago. Seems someone is not learning from experience.

So when madwoman had finished abusing my nether regions and left the room, I attempted to clean myself up (never had to do that before). That's when I realized that my GENITALS WERE STUCK TOGETHER! The inside parts! With HOT WAX!! She had baby oil on her table so I did what I had to do to get unstuck. I was kind of in shock. Wax is not supposed to go NEAR those parts! There's no hair there, dammit!

Mistake number two was paying the crazy bitch and leaving without saying anything. Again, I was kind of in shock. And one feels rather vulnerable when they are laying half-naked on a table in front of a hot wax-wielding stranger with their vagina up in the air. There were also other people around. I didn't want to complain in front of everyone and have to embarrass both me and the crazy bitch in front of other customers.

So I went home. Decided to catch a bus instead of walking so as to not cause extra friction in the sensitive area. When I get home, I decide to check out the damage for myself: two huge bruises in the little area where your outer genital parts and inner thigh meet, and the remains of wax all over the place. Holy crap. And it hurts. I feel all swollen and beaten up.

I then got angry.

I have been a customer at this place for a long time and I love my usual girl and do not want to have to find somewhere else to go. Do I call and ask for the manager? Or should I call and talk to madwoman herself? I figured she should probably know that I thought she did a horrible job and see she what she has to say first, before immediately going over her head. So I call and tell her what an unpleasant and painful experience it was, about the bruises and misplaced wax, and say that I should never have paid for such service. I said I didn't realize how badly bruised I was until I got home, etc., etc. She then got the manager, who was very apologetic, and offered to make me some sort of anti-bruising remedy. She did not, however, offer to give me my money back. So I told her that's what would make me return to her spa. Result: next time I go, it's free.

I am now going to go put an ice pack between my legs.

My lovely, huge, colourful bouquet of flowers. Dead. I woke up this morning to discover them crumpled and limp, hanging over the side of the vase... which had NO WATER in it!!! It was so hot in my apartment over the last few days that the water entirely evaporated. And I didn't even notice. Sorry little blossoms. :(

Last night, while I was letting the flowers die a slow, miserable, waterless death, I was reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (a book that I am having trouble warming up to, I have to admit. I keep picking it up, getting frustrated, throwing it at the wall, picking it up again. In last night's pages, Pirsig was giving his readers (moi) a lecture on the difference between classicism and romanticism -comparing it to, of course, a motorcycle- and he went on and on for pages!!! Enough already!! They are very simple and obvious concepts!!! Argh!!! I expected to like this book... tell me, does it get better? Less tedious? Ever?) I came across a little gem hidden within its pages - an old receipt from Wormwood Cinema from 1993! It cost $3.50 for a member to see a film!! For those of you who are not familiar with Wormwood's, it *was* Halifax's only rep cinema, on Gottingen, that closed, I believe, in 1996 or 97. I hav heard storeis about the place. Like patrons would come to the theatre in the wintertime with blankets because they knew that the owbers had problems with the heating system, etc. ! And ever since we have not had a rep cinema house in Halifax. Shameful. Terribly, terribly shameful.

Anyway, I am running late! Gotta go do some coding! Be there soon, Em!

Went on a solo trip to the market this morning. With some belated birthday money I bought:

• A funky, huge beaded ring that I have been wanting to buy forever!
• Fresh bread
• Organic veggies
• My first local raspberries of the season
• A filet of salmon to bbq at the girl's place tonight
• A beautiful yellow and purple bouquet of flowers - and the nice old man gave me two bunches for $5!

And the weather is perfect today. Perfect, I say! So I enjoyed a slow, leisurely stroll home, up SPring Garden and through the Public Gardens. Would have liked to sit for a while and talk to the ducks, but I was too hungry and wanted to get home to eat my fresh food!

People kept smiling at me on my way home. I think it was the flowers. People are always charmed by flowers. They really are beautiful.

Don't you think?

 

I really do not want to complain about the heat since we have had so little of it...

... but my apartment feels like a sauna... oh for some AC!! I think I might have to invest in another fan. My little baby fan just isn't doing the trick. And blowing already-hot air around doesn't really feel very refreshing either. I have to keep my blinds closed all day to keep the sun out so I won't melt to death!

How tragic! Keeping the sun OUT!

And to make matters worse, all I want to do is eat left-over birthday cake. Lara, I am thinking of you (cursing you?) with every bite. The icing is soooo sweet. I have been on a sugar roller coaster all day (my first piece was at 10:30 am... not good). If only I also had left-overs of Mib and Em's OREO CAKE!!! Then I'd be good and hopped up on the white stuff.

I am sweaty and bloated and high-strung and exhausted all at the same time. All I need to do to add to this confusing cocktail is smoke some of lovely green herbage (also a bday present) and it'll be perfect.

Just kidding.

Really all I need to do is get my now-31-year-old ass to the GYM!!!! Because I am afraid that my ass is starting to show the effects of gravity that 31 years puts on a person. Not pretty.

(sorry to leave you with that image ;)

So my face has finally gone back to its normal colour. And I must admit, it's not at all oily today!

Lessons learned:

1. Go easy on the good ol' benzol peroxide products. That's potent shit, man.

2. Do not - I repeat DO NOT - attempt to scrutinize your facial pores and conclude that something must be done with the disastrous state of affairs after you have consumed any mood-altering substances.

3. One does not necessarily need an advanced university degree to figure such things out.

When I woke up this morning and looked at my face in the mirror, I scared the hell out of myself.

I look like I have a flaming-red, blotchy sunburn. But I wasn't in the sun! We have no sun in Nova Scotia! Doesn't my face know that??

Ah, yes, I remember now...

While starting at my face and analyzing the horrible state of my pores before bed last night I thought, "Sure, I might as well use that Proactiv stuff again that Adele (Dad's wife. No, NOT my step-mom. Dad's wife) gave me months ago. I know that she broke out in a horrible rash and that's why she gave me the stuff, but I tried it before and it worked fine." So I use the face scrub, slather on the lotion and don't give it another thought.

So when I caught a glimpse of red-faced self while getting into the shower this morning, I actually let out a little scream. What the hell??? Then I remembered that the last time I tried this skin care line, I was very careful, esp considering Adele's warnings about her skin. I used it sparingly for a month and my skin was great. But I guess more is not always better, hence the disaster on my face today.

Needless to say, alien-face Shana will not be leaving her little apartment today. It's at times like this (when vanity supersedes all else) that I am grateful for being able to work at home.

My not reading plan is not going so well.

Yesterday was pathetic. I watched one of the films for the chapter I am presently working on and was writing some great ideas, getting my thoughts in order, etc. when I had the urge to go back to the film to find some quotes to use. Then I said to myself "Now why would I fumble through the entire film to find the passages I need and go through the tediousness of transcribing them all when I can just refer to the handy-dandy film scrpit that I have on my shelf?"

Danger...

Once I picked up the thing it was like a box of Oreos in my greedy hands. I had devoured the whole thing within a matter of an hour (or so). Although I didn't feel as bloated and disgusted as with the Oreos, the same kind of guilt was indeed present. *sigh* So, Julia Cameron, I'm not so great at the reading deprivation thing. Oh well!

I did get some good ideas from my reading, however. And good ideas that I already had come up with hours previous were also confirmed. This is good.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about what happened in London this morning. Got an email from Jen to let us know that she's ok. I am trying to figure out if I know anyone else that is living or travelling there at the moment. It's all so fucked up. What the hell is wrong with the world?????

Lara has just informed me that she will not require her future bride's maids to don butt-ugly dresses. I just wanted to record this fact for posterity in case the wine we consumed this fine evening somehow clouds her memory in later years.

Yours truly,

Shana (Future Bride's Maid) McGuire


witnessed by - LCM
and also - EDC

Have any of you ever tried NOT to read??

This is something I have been trying to do this week and it is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do (well, that's not exactly true... there was the leaving home to move to France at 17, the Master's thing, getting over the love of my life dumping my ass, etc., etc. I digress. But it is nonetheless surprising how difficult it is).

All I ever do is read. Read, read, read. And then read some more. That is partly (mostly) why I have so much trouble making the leap from reading to the (more important task of) writing. I can't stop reading. I love to read. It is, without a doubt, one of my most favourite things to do. Reading is also safe. You do not have to encounter a huge, blank, white page (or screen) that you have to put incredibly meaningful words onto. Writer's block is real and it is damn scary. It has been plaguing me for years. Yes, years, people.

I have no problem writing all sorts of things that have nothing to do with my thesis. I love writing in LJ. I love writing in my personal journal. I love writing emails to friends. I in fact spend a good part of my day writing. But not THE THING that I have to write.

So, back to the trying not to read idea. For those of use who are addicted to reading, this little habit of ours very sneakily keeps us away from many other things in life (like writing, for example). So instead of delving into my dozens of thesis books, articles, notes, etc. I am attempting this week to only think and write. No reading allowed. I too often use others' ideas as crutches and they are causing me to be permanently handicapped. I am serious.

But it is so hard not to read. I keep catching myself reading something and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I feel like I am far far away from my comfort zone. Especially considering that I am always, constantly surrounded by BOOKS!!! Everywhere I go! In every corner of my apartment! My office! And, ack, the library! How does one NOT READ IN A LIBRARY?!?!

Anyway, I am going to keep it up until early next week. I'll let you know how it goes.

It really is best to try to look on the bright side of things.

Last night I taught my last French class at the Alliance Francaise for the summer. We decided to have a little wine and cheese party to end off our session and everyone was responsible for bringing something. It turned out to be a feast! Tons of wine, several different kinds of cheeses, brioche, pate, grapes, chocolate-covered strawberries... it was fabulous! One woman couldn't make it because of work but she still dropped off a bottle of wine and a nice note. They said some great things about the class, many kind words about my teaching. I felt all warm and fuzzy.

So, now I can get down to what my real purpose in life at present is supposed to be. The good ol' thesis. Things will be very (very) tight financially for the next couple of months, but I think I just need to look at this time as a gift. The main problem keeping me from finishing the PhD is lack of time to write. And now I have it. I just have to USE it!!! This may sound like a very simple and self-evident thing, but it's not easy to use the time you are given to do what you know you have to do. Why this is, I am not entirtely sure. I have several theories.

The trouble will be trying to balance thesis writing and course planning. Never having taught a lecture class before, thinking about the film class I'll be teaching at NSCAD can be a bit daunting at times. But my head will be in French cinema all summer. Which is exactly where it should be.

At present, I am reading about pornography for my thesis. The book is called "Hardcore: Power, Pleasure and the Frenzy of the Visible". A very (very) stimulating topic, I must admit (and yes, every bit of innuendo is intended here ;). A fascinating thing to read about from an academic perspective. I'm serious. So off I go to delve into my porn!